Red Pill vs. Blue Pill

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It was 20 years ago that Florida punch cards were screwing up election day.

Yes, they went way out of style, but, boy, do I long for the good ole days of 2000! When only one blatantly obvious thing threatened our election. Well, three: “hanging chads,” “fat chads” and “pregnant chads.”

Don’t ask me about “skinny latte chads” — or Fat Buchanan. This isn’t a politics column, this is cannabis, baby. Thank god for cannabis. Not that I am much of a believer in god at this crucial moment in history.

OK, where do I begin? Can I just skip to the part about the infestation of locusts?

“Hey, locusts! Please don’t touch the weed! Or the hemp farms that managed to survive the firestorm. We depend on those!”
Locust: “Ha! What do you think of your cannabis investments now, Mr. Straight Dope?”

Well, Mr. Locust, I’m glad you asked. You gave me a wide berth to change the direction of this column. Readers already do enough “doom-scrolling” on their own, they don’t need me to do it for them. (New T-shirt idea: Down With Doom-Scrolling!)

In the meantime, to answer Mr. Locust’s question, here’s where, I believe, cannabis investments are right now: Don’t bet a dime on the current industry. But if the Dems take the presidency and/or the U.S. Senate, it is on! Full federal legalization. That’s when I am all-in.
If Thou Who Shall Not Be Named wins, all bets are off. It’s pretty simple arithmetic: Our economy is in the shitter. Cannabis would bring millions of dollars raining into the states, and we all know how vital rain is at press time here in Oregon.

Did I mention Halloween is coming up? Oh, that’ll be virtual fun for the kids! Poor kids. I just pray the Year It All Went to Hell doesn’t affect them in the long run, but I can’t help think that it will. And that’s where we need to put some serious work in once we handle these PFLW’s (pandemics, fires, locusts, whatever). Not only for the kids, but for ourselves. The psychological ramifications of 2020 are Yuge. And, in case you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your current predicament, remember one thing: Everyone in the world is being affected by COVID-19 in some fashion. And you still don’t think we’re living in some kind of zero-sum simulation?

Hey, this is a good one! A bunch of futurists were asked why we haven’t made contact with ET’s yet. My favorite answer: Because our planet is quarantined from the rest of the universe. Enough said.

But think about that … “Our planet is quarantined from the rest of the universe.” And, oh, BTW, the answer came well before the current pandemic.

So, then, you have to ask yourself: If this is a simulation, and I am in the Matrix, what do I do? Do I take the red pill, and continue to try and fight the good fight? Or do I take the blue pill, get high AF, and just check out? Answers will be tabulated Nov. 3 — and contested for the foreseeable future. Whatever. The answer is 42. Get me off this Galaxy.

Please consider donating to the Red Cross Oregon Wildfires’ fund, or one of the many gofundme campaigns for neighbors who lost everything. It’s never too late to help:

Rick Cipes’ YouTube comedy videos can be seen at



Summer 2020 TOC:

  • Cannabis Entrepreneurs: The women behind ‘Ladies of Paradise’
  • Terroir: Inside the science of tasty bud
  • Cannabis Cooking: Canna-balls styled after Alice’s ‘Brownies’
  • Retail: Home delivery gets a boost
  • Profile: River City Retail has a winning formula
  • Retail: Pandemic fuels pot-buying explosion
  • Religion: Cannabis for churchgoers
  • Growing: Hardy Seeds in Ashland shares why hemp loves company
  • COVID-19: Hemp farming – ‘It’s a lot safer than working at McDonalds’
  • Retail: Drive-thru bud at La Mota

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