Topic: Straight Dope

It was 20 years ago that Florida punch cards were screwing up election day. Yes, they went way out of style, but, boy, do I long for the good ole days of 2000! When only one blatantly obvious thing threatened our election. Well, three: “hanging chads,” “fat chads” and “pregnant chads.” Don’t ask me about “skinny latte chads” — or Fat Buchanan. This isn’t a politics column, this is cannabis, baby. Thank god for cannabis. Not that I am much of a believer in god at this crucial moment in history. OK, where do I begin? Can I just skip

There’s a classic moment in the movie “Animal House” I’ll never forget. It features Kevin Bacon as an ROTC dickwad trying to keep the lid on the chaotic parade run amok at the end of the film. In it, KB repeatedly screams: “Remain calm! All is well!” By the end of the sequence Kevin is pancaked into an alley by the marching band. Alarmingly, in 2020, KB’s cry has become our worldwide mantra. A few weeks before the shit hit the fan, I decided it was high-time to renew an old Xanax prescription. (I rarely use it, but I figured

Deck the halls with … full on overload. Sorry. I am in pre-holiday season “trauma mode,” as I write this, I know it’s coming, and it always does the same thing to my skin: makes it crawl. I am referring to that first Christmas carol I am going to hear, piped into whatever store I may be in. Why do Christmas carols make me cringe? That is a good question, and one best reserved for my therapist, if I had a therapist, which I don’t. I got you, kid. And you’re looking as beautiful as Cher ever did. OK, I

I’m just hurt, that’s all I’m saying. I am trying not to take it personally, but it’s really challenging. Because whether you want to see it or not, you’ve changed, man. You aren’t the same anymore. Bottom line: You pay way less attention to me, and I feel like my place in your world, shit, in the whole world, is slipping away. Remember the 20th century, man? Or, hell, even the early 21st? The first thing out of bed, and you couldn’t wait to sing my praises: I smoke two joints in the morning, I smoke two joints at night,

  A man takes 183 pills a day to cope with pain. These pills are legal and sanctioned by the man’s employer. If that same man is caught taking one hit of cannabis, he is apt to be suspended from his job. That man was Keith McCants, and his employer was the NFL. I don’t need to rant about how wrong that is. You know what’s going on. And, so does the NFL. And, halle-f*cking-lujah, the league has finally agreed to study cannabis as a method of pain management, while simultaneously studying prescription drug use amongst players. In the meantime,

“Should I invest in marijuana?” is a question I get a lot lately. It typically comes right after: “I’m trying to strike it rich and ” People have been trying to strike it rich since the beginning of time. Time, on the other hand, sits by and scoffs at all the “get rich” schemes it’s seen in its days. Answer: You should first ask yourself, “Do you have the stomach to invest at all?” If you’re ready to roll with the investing tide — record highs recently, with who knows WTF is looming on the horizon — then read on.

I hope I don’t offend anyone using the name “Kemosabe” in the title. For those not in the know, the nickname was given to the Lone Ranger’s partner Tonto in the famous TV show that ran from 1949-1957. Kemosabe translates to “trusty scout.” Not: “The name is offensive to American Indians and you’re a racist mo-fo.” Let’s talk politics, and political correctness, shall we? I was watching the classic comedy “Airplane!” a couple weeks ago, loving it all over again. But viewed from the perspective of touchy, 21st-century peeps, I realized the film could never get made today. “Jive talk”

The Dude always came down to the beach in his orange robe, love beads and sandals, his guitar strung over his back, and a look of “lost bliss” on his face. He was typically after our weed. I thought about him recently after watching the six-part documentary “Wild, Wild Country” on Netflix. The doc was about the followers of the Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, who migrated to a small town in Oregon in the ‘80s and tried to set up a new home for themselves. I learned shortly after watching that the Dude was a member of the Rajneeshies. One of

Meet our “first-timers” focus group: Madge, age 78, lives at a local senior home. Terry, 54, is a divorced father of two. And Johnny is fresh out of high school. STRAIGHT DOPE: Let’s start with why you decided to get stoned. MADGE: Boredom. And trying to spice up my sex life. JOHNNY: All my friends were getting high, and I wanted to see what the hype was about. TERRY: My back kills me. And, sometimes, trying to raise two kids gets kind of stressful. I needed an escape. SD: And? TERRY: Well, my muscles seemed to relax more, but I